


With a Little Help from My DM

by chogiwonderful_you



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: AU - Dungeons and Dragons, Gen, Humor, Kidnapping, Swearing, brief peril
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-11-02 01:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17878358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chogiwonderful_you/pseuds/chogiwonderful_you
Summary: Kyungsoo would like to say that watching Jongdae be kidnapped by a dragon was an unusual day for his adventuring party, but sadly, he cannot.Jongdae makes a bet with Baekhyun. What could go wrong?





	With a Little Help from My DM

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, the biggest thank you to Friend!
> 
> So basically a year and a half ago I made this tumblr post: [Exo as a D&D Party](https://some-kind-of-chogiwonderful.tumblr.com/post/163468024788/exo-as-a-dd-party)
> 
> And because I think I am hilarious and I can never let anything go, I decided I could not let this piece of high-brow comedy go unrecognized. And thus I wrote a dumb fic about it.

     Kyungsoo sighed as he felt the Time Stop spell take hold. He really would have liked to sit down but that was pretty much impossible given the vines wrapped around his legs. Gods bless him, but Jongin really wasn’t suited for spellcasting. True to form, the druid had seen the magic backfire - rooting Kyungsoo and the rest of the party - and had promptly shifted into a shaggy golden retriever with the saddest puppy eyes to ever exist. Kyungsoo didn’t have the heart to be mad at him; Jongin was just trying to help.

     Besides, it wasn’t Jongin’s fault that they were in this mess to begin with. No, that dubious honor belonged, as it usually did, to Byun Baekhyun and Kim Jongdae. Normally, Kyungsoo would feel more gratified to see Jongdae face his comeuppance, but now, faced with the frozen image of the bard clutched in the talons of an enormous black dragon, still trying to bash his way free with his lute, he just felt tired. And, loath as he was to admit it, a little worried. Even someone as annoying as Jongdae didn’t deserve to end up as dragon food.

 

     The day had started normally enough - or as close to normal as the party camp ever was. Kyungsoo was helping Junmyeon finish taking inventory of their supplies. Minseok was running a bored-looking Sehun through a series of quarterstaff training drills, and Chanyeol was cooing over what Kyungsoo determined to be a porcupine.

     “Well,” Junmyeon said, standing up from his crouch and wiping his hands on his jerkin, “we’re definitely gonna need to go into town.”

     “Oh that’s great!” Yixing said from his place by the fire. “Morty could use the practice.”

     Junmyeon bit his lip to try to hide his wince from the paladin. “Yixing, I’m not sure that’s the best idea.”

     “How is he ever going to be a full member of the Order if he never learns to help people?”

     Morty snorted derisively.

     Under any other circumstances, Yixing’s protest might be entirely founded. But seeing as Yixing’s new squire ‘Morty’ was technically Mortiferon, a chaotic evil balor from the lowest of the Abyssal Planes, Junmyeon may have had a point.

     None of them really knew how Yixing had even managed to encounter the demon, much less convinced him to join the lawful good paladin order. Despite Baekhyun’s endless needling, Yixing remained remarkably tight-lipped about it. And Morty...well, Morty wasn’t much of a talker. All they did know was that one day, Yixing was summoned on an urgent evil fighting mission and two weeks later, he came back to camp with a twelve-foot fire-breathing commander from the Blood Wars.

     The potential for an argument pulled Sehun’s attention away from his already lackluster practice with Minseok. The sorcerer came to stand next to Kyungsoo, sending him a conspiratorial smirk and leaning heavily on his staff. Kyungsoo was not nearly as thrilled by the current situation.

     “But, Junie,” Yixing whined, pouting as only a dignified holy knight could, “he really did so much better last time.”

     Junmyeon raised an eyebrow.

     “I mean, yes, he killed one person. But to be fair that innkeeper was very rude to Chanyeol.”

     “That’s ‘cause Chanyeol brought five raccoons into his tavern,” Minseok said.

     Chanyeol huffed, clutching the poor porcupine even closer to his chest. “Well, what was I supposed to? Leave them outside?”

     Junmyeon opened his mouth as if to respond, but instead shook his head as though thinking better of it. He merely sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Fine, Yixing. You can bring Morty into town.” He turned to the demon. “But you’re on very thin ice, Mister.”

     Morty made no indication that he was even listening to their conversation. Yixing, for his part, launched himself at the cleric for a bone-crushing hug.

     “Ilmater give me strength, “Junmyeon mumbled, his face squished unattractively into one of Yixing’s pauldrons.

 

     Kyungsoo and Sehun set to activating the wards around camp as, naturally, the entire party wanted to see the inevitable disaster that would be Morty’s sojourn. Not for the first time, Kyungsoo found himself wondering why he hadn’t just taken that magical research position at the academy. He was pulled from his regrets by a large golden retriever shoving his wet, cold nose against his hand.

     “Yeah, Jongin. I’m coming.” Kyungsoo grabbed his staff from where it was leaning up against his tent. Jongin barked happily and ran around him in a succession of dizzying circles.

     “I wish I could just turn into a dog whenever I didn’t want to deal with people,” Kyungsoo teased.

     The druid slapped his tail against the back of Kyungsoo’s knee in retaliation.

 

     “Okay, so Sehun, Jongin, and I are going to go to the market to pick up what we need,” Junmyeon announced as they approached the outskirts of the village.

     Jongin trotted ahead excitedly.

     “Gonna need you in human form, buddy.”

     The dog stopped in his tracks and instantly morphed into a stunning and pouting man. Kyungsoo had never understood why a man as gorgeous as Jongin would want to spend seventy percent of his time as a dog until he saw the druid accidentally break a vase at the market. The moment he had transformed, the shopkeeper had forgotten his anger completely.

     Yixing turned to Morty as the others walked away. “So it’s gonna be just like we practised, right? Just ask the question and try not to kill anyone.”

     Morty was using some kind of - hopefully - animal bone to sharpen his enormous claws and didn’t bother looking up.

     “Don’t worry, ‘Xing,” Chanyeol said. “If he gets all growly, I’ll put a stop to it!” He gesticulated wildly, which normally would have been fine except for the fact that he was holding his greatsword as he did so. The blade connected with Minseok’s shin, and the warrior cried out sharply in alarm.

     “The fucking hell, Chanyeol! You could have taken my leg off!” he yelled, rubbing over his leg to check for injuries. “Wait, why didn’t you?” He snatched the sword out of Chanyeol’s slack hand and ran his hand down the edge of the blade. “Chanyeol, do you even sharpen this thing?” He tossed the sword back to Chanyeol, who fumbled the catch so that it impaled the ground close to Kyungsoo’s feet.

     “It’s a sword, Minseok,” Chanyeol said. “They come sharp.”

     “Yeah...we’re gonna go get you a quarterstaff.” Minseok grabbed Chanyeol’s arm and pulled him in the direction Junmyeon had just gone. “Or maybe a very large stick.”

     That left Kyungsoo with Yixing, Morty, and even more unfortunately, the two loudest people in the realm, Byun Baekhyun and Kim Jongdae.

     Yixing did not seem the least bit deterred by Minseok’s near dismemberment. “There’s a farmer right over there.”

     Kyungsoo looked over to where Yixing was pointing. A man was standing alone in a field, doing well, whatever it was a farmer did. “It’s isolated. You know,” - he nodded his head towards Morty - “just in case.”

     “No one’s gonna get murdered,” Baekhyun said, slinging an arm around Morty’s waist as the demon was far too tall for him to reach his shoulders. “We’re all rooting for you, buddy.”

     Morty growled and literal fire erupted from his nostrils. “I am not your ‘buddy’, you miserable creature. Remove you arm before I rip it from your body.”

     Baekhyun quickly withdrew his arm, holding both hands up in surrender. “Touchy,” he stage-whispered to Jongdae.

     Morty made a move as if to grab Baekhyun, but Yixing pulled him back with a disappointed reprimand.

     “Morty! What have we talked about?”

     Morty sighed and stepped away from Baekhyun. “No threatening the pathetic mortals.”

     Yixing nodded perhaps a little too enthusiastically. “Jongdae is going to make the introductions. If you do well, I won’t even give you a demerit for threatening Baekhyun.”

     “Oh, come on, I’m worth at least one demerit.”

     Kyungsoo figured the lone farmer was either totally engrossed in his work or deaf because there was no way he wouldn’t have noticed them with all the noise they were making.

     Jongdae was already marching ahead, Baekhyun hot on his heels. Kyungsoo waved a hand towards Yixing and Morty as if to say ‘after you’. He wanted to be able to run away quickly if this all went south, to be honest.

     “Hi there!” Jongdae called out.

     The farmer looked up at them. Okay, so not deaf then. Well, maybe. Jongdae was probably loud enough for a deaf person to hear. The man caught a glimpse of Morty and froze.

     “I’m Jongdae, and this is Yixing and his completely identical twin brother Morty, who looks exactly like him and totally and completely human in every way,” Jongdae said quickly.

     The farmer’s eyes shifted out of focus for a moment before clearing, his body relaxing.

     “That’s uncanny,” he said. “How do you tell them apart?”

     “Once you get to know them, it isn’t that hard,” Kyungsoo said. Luckily the farmer didn’t seem to pick up on his sarcasm.

     “So, anyway, Morty has something he’d like to ask you,” Jongdae said.

     Yixing nodded hopefully and gave Morty a little tap.

     Morty stepped forward and cleared his throat. “Hello, fellow puny human. I am Mortiferon. My companions and I have arrived to aid the wretched denizens of this village. Is there perhaps a villain that needs annihilating?”

     The farmer scratched his head. “Huh, well I don’t know anything about that. But there is a job board in the town square if you folks are looking for work.”

     “Thank you, mortal. When I raze this village to the ground, I shall disembowel you last.”

     “Um, thanks, I think.”

     Yixing caught Kyungsoo’s unimpressed expression as the farmer walked away. “Look, it’s a process. Loads better than last time.”

     Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow.

     “Soooo...are we gonna check out that job board? Not that I’m not loving hanging out on smelly, muddy farms,” Baekhyun said.

     Yixing, as the de facto leader, agreed and they began to walk toward the path the rest of the party had taken earlier.

 

     For the majority of the walk, Kyungsoo found himself drawn into a discussion on the health benefits of wheatgrass with Yixing, which was just as scintillating as it sounded. Herbs and plants were far from his favorite subjects at the academy.

     It wasn’t until they saw the town over the horizon that he overheard Jongdae and Baekhyun’s conversation behind him.

     “I’m just saying, it doesn’t seem like a good idea,” Jongdae said.

     “And I’m just saying go big or go home, dude,” Baekhyun said. “Besides, you need a challenge.”

     Jongdae made a pained noise that told Kyungsoo he was close to giving into whatever Baekhyun wanted. “Junmyeon will actually murder us, you know that, right?”

     “I’ll do your chores for a week.”

     “Two, and I’ll do it.”

     “Deal!” Baekhyun whooped. “Bro, this is gonna be wild!”

     Well, this wasn’t going to be anything good.

     The thing was, Jongdae was a terrible bard. Sure, he was a fantastic singer, probably the best Kyungsoo had ever heard, but he didn’t actually put that to use on the battlefield. And that might have been okay if he actually knew how to use a weapon, but he refused all of the lessons Minseok offered him. No, he preferred to swing wildly with his lute anytime any enemies got within striking distance. It was rarely effective. Jongdae claimed that he provided inspirational battle cries, but Kyungsoo didn’t see how screaming “suck my fat cock, slime-ass motherfucker” was actually of any noticeable help.

     The reason Kyungsoo figured they kept Jongdae around - besides Junmyeon’s inability to say no to anyone - was his ability to bluff. Most bards could get away with telling outrageous lies, but Jongdae took it to another level. He could convince anyone of pretty much anything if he put his mind to it.

     Naturally, Baekhyun decided to make a game of it, and that’s how the bets started. Baekhyun would bet Jongdae that he couldn’t convince people in the towns they visited of increasingly more ridiculous scenarios, and so far Jongdae had never lost. Technically, Baekhyun had never lost either, as he managed to get Chanyeol to do all three of their chores with a quick flash of puppy eyes. All that manual labor had broadened Chanyeol’s shoulders in a way that Kyungsoo would rather die than admit to noticing.

     Anyhow…

     Last month, Baekhyun had told Jongdae to act as a visiting dignitary, and while staying in the mayor’s mansion has been a nice change, Kyungsoo felt a bit bad about taking advantage of the situation. The rogue had left a hefty sum of gold in repayment that he had ‘liberated’ from the slavers they had taken out, but still.

     If they were upping the ante? Kyungsoo wanted to be very far away.

     Baekhyun and Jongdae had disappeared by the time they reached the market, and Kyungsoo decided to find Sehun, Junmyeon, and Jongin rather than accompany Yixing and Morty to the job board.

     It didn’t take long to find Jongin, who was looking at produce while a group of young women twittered excitedly a few yards behind him.

     “I wish they wouldn’t,” he told Kyungsoo and sighed. “That’s why I wanted to stay a dog.”

     “They think you’re handsome is all.”

     “I know. It’s weird.”

     Kyungsoo hated seeing Jongin look so uncomfortable; he turned and hit the girls with what Sehun had called his ‘death glare’. They dispersed rather quickly.

     That’s when the screaming started.

     Jongin was a golden retriever faster than Kyungsoo could turn his head. Minseok was busting out of the blacksmith, sword in hand, Chanyeol and his new quarterstaff right behind him.

     “What’s happening?” he shouted, dodging terrified villagers as they fled past him.

     “No idea,” Kyungsoo yelled back.

     The produce vendor poked his head up from behind his stand and froze as he looked toward where the job board was situated, before shrieking and knocking a crate of apples on the ground in his haste to get away.

     Kyungsoo looked over and expected to see Morty. Maybe Jongdae hadn’t been able to get everyone in town to believe him after all. But all he saw was the bard himself.

     Jongdae had the grace to look sheepish. “Uh, so don’t freak out, but like, I may have told people that I’m a dragon?”

     Kyungsoo really hated Baekhyun.

     

     “Of all the irresponsible - Leave the priesthood, they said. Travel the world. Ilmater, help me.” Junmyeon was pacing, which was never good. “Byun Baekhyun, get your ass out of stealth while I’m yelling at you.”

     Baekhyun rematerialized where he was cowering behind Chanyeol. “Look-” he began.

     “I don’t want to hear it. I know all about the dumb bet. Just fix this. Now.”

     “Well, the thing is…” Jongdae was pointedly avoiding eye contact with anyone in the party. “We can’t.”

     “What do you mean you ‘can’t’?”

     “I tried telling everyone that it was a joke, and that I’m not really a dragon, but it’s like I did so well the first time that no one will believe me.”

     “I say we cut our losses and leave forever.” Baekhyun wilted under Junmyeon’s glare. “Or you know, not that.”

     The sky was growing dark, and Kyungsoo could hear the sound of thunder in the background. Great.

     “So can we fix this before it starts raining? I’m not sleeping outside,” Sehun said.

     An enormous thunder clap cut through Sehun’s whining. Kyungsoo looked up to the sky...and well, that was alarming.

     “So, we may have a problem.”

     No one heard him because at that very moment a very large black dragon landed in the middle of the village square.

     “I didn’t do that!” Jongdae protested before anyone could accuse him.

     Minseok was unsheathing his sword and Kyungsoo was beginning to recite a fireball spell when the dragon disappeared in a puff of smoke. In its place was a tall good-looking man with skin and hair as dark as his scales had been. His eyes were still an inhuman yellow gold.

     “Hello, friends. I hope I’m not interrupting,” he said, voice smooth and light, not at all what Kyungsoo had been expecting.

     “Um…” Junmyeon trailed off. Not that Kyungsoo blamed him. Was there even a protocol for these kinds of situations?

     “Even in this form, you are still impossibly enchanting,” the dragon said, staring straight at Jongdae.

     “Um, what now?” Jongdae looked around him as though hoping the dragon was talking to anyone else.

     Sehun snorted. “This is hilarious.”

     Minseok elbowed him.

     “I’m sorry. I haven’t even introduced myself. I am known as Obsidian.” He took a step forward. Jongdae backed into the overturned fruit cart. “It’s just so rare to encounter another of my kind, especially parading around with humans.”

     “I think you have the wrong idea here, man,” Jongdae said. “I’m definitely not who you’re looking for.”

     “And modest, too!” Obsidian was still approaching Jongdae. “ A delightful quality in a mate.”

     “No, I mean I’m not a dragon - wait, mate what? Woah!”

     In the blink of an eye, Obsidian was a dragon once more, and he snatched Jongdae - gently at least - between his claws.

     “Not okay! Not okay!” Jongdae was shrieking as he tried to bash Obsidian’s foot with his lute.

 

     Embarrassingly, it was over rather quickly. Sure, Minseok and Yixing had rushed Obsidian, swords drawn. Baekhyun launched himself in the air, daggers flashing, screaming “That’s my friend, motherfucker!”, stealth apparently forgotten. Chanyeol threw his quarterstaff at Obsidian, but it plinked uselessly off of his thick hide. Before the warrior and paladin could reach their target, Jongin had cast that damn entangle, and well, here they were.

     The time stop spell had been pretty useless to be honest. There wasn’t much Kyungsoo could do alone against a mature black dragon. So, with a heavy sigh, he released the spell and watched as Obsidian flew away clutching the still screaming Jongdae.

     “Well, that fucking sucks,” Baekhyun said from his own entanglement. “Jongdae was my best friend.”

     “Baekhyun, he’s not dead. We’re gonna go after him,” Minseok said.

     “I mean, obviously. We were always gonna go after a dragon that’s totally gonna eat us. Awesome.”

 

     Even Chanyeol couldn’t convince Jongin to shift back into a human to attempt to undo his spell, so they were forced to wait the requisite twenty minutes it took for the the vines to recede.

     The villagers were starting to emerge from their hiding spots and somehow believed that the party had fought off not one but two black dragons. Since the inn had offered them free rooms and drinks as a thank you, no one bothered refuting it.

 

     Despite the free ale, the group was rather obviously staid. Thankfully, Jongdae’s bluff seemed to have held even without his presence, and none of the tavern patrons had recognized Morty as a demon. However, his general demeanor of murderous rage along with the fact that he was eating an entirely raw steak with his hands ensured that the party wasn’t forced to endure any interruptions. He had initially refused to help rescue ‘the abominably loud one’, but it turned out even demons weren’t immune to Yixing’s pouting. The planning wasn’t going nearly as well.

     “So…” Yixing said for quite possibly the twentieth time. Kyungsoo had spent the better part of the last hour leafing through the books he had in his pack, looking for anything that might be useful. Theories of Transmutation: Flesh to Stone had given him little besides a temptation to use the spell on Baekhyun, who was sighing dramatically and laying his head on the table. He hadn’t even finished his mug of ale.

     “Guys, I’m so drunk, and Jongdae isn’t even here ‘cause he got kidnapped by a dragon.”

     Chanyeol was attempting to console Baekhyun. Jongin was still in dog form and laying under the table at Kyungsoo’s feet. Junmyeon was staring at the back wall of the tavern as though wishing he were anywhere else. Minseok was drinking. And Sehun -

     “Sehun?” Kyungsoo asked. “Why is your pack smoking?”

     Sehun jumped up in alarm and threw the offending bag onto the table, almost knocking over Junmyeon’s mug in the process. Thick red smoke was billowing out of its opening. But just as Chanyeol was about to dump his ale over the bag, Sehun cried out in recognition:

     “The communication crystal!” He rummaged around in the bag and pulled out what appeared to be a large ruby, which was still smoking. “Man, I forgot all about these.”

     Sehun had created the communication crystals a while back, mostly so that he could beg Kyungsoo to make him food without leaving the comfort of his tent. The magic required to make them work was extraordinary, and Kyungsoo once again lamented that Sehun’s innate ability meant that he had no need for and no interest in magical theory. Kyungsoo wished had at least managed to document the process, even if he couldn’t replicate the effects himself.

     They rarely used the communication crystals these days, but it seemed that Jongdae had remembered his. The smoke condensed into an image of the bard’s face when Sehun tapped on the crystal three times.

     “Um...hey, guys, what’s up?”

     The sound of Jongdae’s voice jogged Junmyeon out of his stupor. “‘What’s up’?! Jongdae, you got kidnapped by a dragon! Are you okay?”

     “Yeah, so, weirdly, I’m fine.” Jongdae leaned back against a giant pile of furs. There was a ludicrously huge diamond hanging from his neck. “He keeps giving me jewelry, and now he’s cooking me an entire deer.”

     “Sounds like the dream,” Sehun said.

     “I was kidnapped to be his mate!”

     “I’m just saying...”

     “Sehun, I’m not gay! Or, like, a dragon!”

     “So what are you going to do when he comes back?” Baekhyun interrupted. The excitement seemed to have sobered him up somewhat - at least enough to prop his head up on Junmyeon’s shoulder.

     “Well, great,” Jongdae said. “I didn’t even think of that.”

     Jongin barked, standing up and putting his paws on the table. Chanyeol pulled him onto his lap so that he could see Jongdae better.

     “Think you’re gonna need human words for this, buddy,” Kyungsoo told him, ruffling his fur gently.

     A second later, human Jongin was sitting in Chanyeol’s lap instead. Chanyeol looked distinctly unbothered by this development.

     “I was saying, you don’t need to worry about that. Black dragons are all about consent,” Jongin said.

     “Again: kidnapped.”

     “Well, I mean if you were a real black dragon, you would have ripped his throat out to reject his courtship offer.”

     “That seems a bit like victim blaming,” Junmyeon said.

     “Okay, so how do I, like, revoke consent or whatever?” Jongdae asked.

     “Since you technically agreed, he’s got the next forty or fifty years to prove that he’d make a suitable mate, and after that you can break off the courtship with no hard feelings. It’s pretty straightforward.”

     “Except for Jongdae being an old man by then,” Baekhyun added, rather unhelpfully.

     “Jongin, how do you know so much about black dragons anyways?” Chanyeol asked.

     “Oh, I spent a year as one a while back. Fun times, but cave living wasn’t for me.”

     “Wait; you can turn into a dragon?” Kyungsoo asked, so astonished that he was distracted from their current dilemma. Jongin could barely cast spells; he couldn’t believe that the teddy bear of a man sitting in Chanyeol’s lap was that powerful of a shapeshifter.

     “Yeah, a dragon, a black bear, dire boar, dire wolf, giant spider, oh! - chromatic ooze, brown be-”

     “But you only ever turn into a dog?” Kyungsoo interrupted.

     “I like being a dog.” Jongin was entirely serious.

     Kyungsoo gaped at him.

     “Guys, can we bring it around ba- Shit! He’s coming back,” Jongdae said, flailing to hide the crystal. “I gotta-” The crystal stopped smoking and went dark.

     “So we didn’t actually ask him where he was,” Minseok said.

     Crap. That was a good point.

     The thing about the crystals was that they were untrackable. When Sehun had enchanted them, he had purposely left off any location tracking spells because, in his words, “not everything I do is party business”. At the time, Kyungsoo had just found it annoying, but now…

     “Well, we’re screwed,” Baekhyun said, ever the optimist.

     “Pathetic mortal enchantments,” Morty huffed, looking away from his mostly devoured steak for the first time since they sat down. “Human magic is as weak as your species.”

     “I’d like to see you do better.” Sehun crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair, pouting.

     “I can track your bard through the crystal. It is a trivial matter.”

     “You could have told us-”

     “Morty!” Yixing beamed and launched himself at the demon, pulling him into a bear hug. “I’m so proud of you! And to think the Order said-”

     “First, I will need to drain the mage of his blood.”

     Yixing deflated back into his own chair, crestfallen. “Morty, no, why?”

     “Excuse me?!” Sehun shouted, practically leaping out of his chair. People were definitely staring now. It was a wonder they hadn’t been kicked out of the tavern already.

     “Your party has two wizards, does it not?” Morty asked, unbothered by Sehun’s reaction.

     Kyungsoo wanted to point out that Sehun was a sorcerer and not a wizard, but it seemed inappropriate to belabor the distinction right now.

     “So, what? You’re just gonna murder me?”

     Minseok rose with a sigh and trudged over to the bar.

     “You mortals are the ones who want the bard back so badly. I am simply offering my assistance.”

     “Which is definitely progress,” Yixing added.

     “This is progress? He’s trying to kill me!”

     “But for a good cause at least?”

     “Maybe we should all take it down a notch,” Junmyeon was running his hands through his hair almost violently, trying to calm himself down as much as the party.

     Unfortunately for him, and the bar patrons trying to quietly enjoy their evening, the table had devolved into a full-blown shouting match. Sehun was yelling at Yixing for defending Morty and trying to get the rest of the group on his side. Yixing was quick to point out that had been Baekhyun’s bet that had gotten Jongdae kidnapped, a point Baekhyun did not take kindly to hearing. Jongin had, unsurprisingly, turned back into a dog and was hiding with Chanyeol under the table. Junmyeon’s voice was raising higher and higher in pitch as he frantically tried to end the argument.

     A knife whizzed through the group and embedded itself in the wall next to Junmyeon’s head.

     “Everyone done?” Minseok asked. “Great.” He plunked a piece of parchment and an exceptionally large stein onto the table as he sat back down. “I know where Jongdae is.”

     “What?” Kyungsoo asked. “How?”

     “I asked the bartender if he knew about any scary caves where dragons might live.” Minseok sipped his ale and shrugged. “Turns out some locals spotted a dragon by a cave that’s about a two day walk from here.” He held up the parchment for the group to see. The map was crudely drawn and beer-stained but clear enough.

     “Well,” Junmyeon began, attempting to get a handle on the situation. “Good work, Minseok, and, um, everyone. We can set out in the morning.” He looked relieved that his leadership duties had been momentarily accomplished.

     Kyungsoo tried his best to fall asleep that night without thinking about the fact that they were headed to confront a literal dragon the next day. He had limited success.

 

     Despite the threat of imminent death, the party was in good spirits when they left the tavern at dawn. The combination of warm, sunny weather and an easy road ensured they stayed that way. Naturally, this meant that two days later found them standing outside the alleged dragon’s lair with absolutely no plan how to proceed.

     “Look,” Minseok said, unsheathing his sword. “I’m pretty sure we’re only going to have one shot at this, so-”

     “Hey! Dragon asshole! Give us back Jongdae!” Baekhyun shouted, barging into the cave.

     Kyungsoo quickly bespelled his staff to light up the entrance and followed Baekhyun, the rest of the party close behind.

     Barely a moment later, several wards flared to life, casting the dark entrance into an eerie red glow and blaring a shrill alarm. The thunderous footfalls of an adult black dragon shook the floor and walls, signaling their likely very violent demise.

     “To be fair,” Baekhyun began, but immediately interrupted himself to jump behind Chanyeol as Obsidian let loose a spout of flame.

     Before any of them could react, Obsidian had transformed back into his human form. “Oh! It’s you. I’m so sorry. Jongdae didn’t tell me he’d invited guests.” He turned to call back deeper into the cave. “Jongdae, darling, your mortal friends are here.”

     “‘Darling’?” Sehun mouthed in question.

     Junmyeon elbowed him to keep him quiet.

     Jongdae emerged into what Obsidian must have considered his foyer, holding a cup of tea, decidedly unharmed.

     “Oh, wow. You really all came to rescue me? Honestly, I’m touched. I might even write a song about this.”

     Kyungsoo wasn’t holding his breath on that one.

     “Look, dragon bro,” Baekhyun started up again.

     “Obsidian,” the dragon corrected.

     “Dragon bro. It may have been Jongdae’s idiot ass that got us into this mess to begin with, but he’s our idiot ass, you know? And we want him back.”

     “Gee, thanks, Baekhyun,” Jongdae said.

     “As moved as I am by your...eloquence, the fact of the matter is that Jongdae has accepted my courtship proposal.”

     “But he’s not even a dragon,” Junmyeon said with that pinched look he usually reserved for dealing with Baekhyun and Jongdae’s antics.

     “Young cleric, I have been a dragon for longer than your race has even existed. I think I know a fellow dragon when I see one.”

     “How can we prove he isn’t a dragon?” Junmyeon asked.

     “Don’t bother,” Jongdae said. “I already tried everything I could think of. Logic won’t break the illusion. I even tried casting a True Seeing spell. Nothing works.”

     Kyungsoo was vaguely impressed. He hadn’t known that Jongdae could even cast spells, much less that he would have anything useful memorized. But even if he were as powerful a spellcaster as Kyungsoo or Sehun, it wouldn’t have made a difference; dragons were naturally resistant to magic.

     No one person would be strong enough to influence Obsidian, but maybe…

     “Obsidian,” Kyungsoo began cautiously, “do you think we could try to cast True Seeing on you one more time?” He turned to the rest of the group. “Jongdae alone might not have been enough, but between myself, Jongdae, Junmyeon, Sehun, Jong-” Kyungsoo glanced at Jongin. Maybe it was best to leave him out of any spellcasting. “And Sehun, we could undo the bluff.”

     Junmyeon nodded. “Please let us try.”

     Obsidian looked the party over for a moment, deciding. He sighed. “I suppose it won’t do any harm. But if it doesn’t prove anything, will you promise to leave Jongdae and I in peace?”

     “You have my word,” Junmyeon said.

     “Seriously?” Jongdae asked incredulously. “This better work,” he said to Kyungsoo.

     Kyungsoo gave Jongdae what he hoped to be a reassuring smile because he honestly had no idea.

     “We’ll cast on my mark,” Junmyeon said to the the spellcasters. “Three...two...one.”

     The four of them began chanting the words to the spell in unison, moving their arms to direct the flow of the magic. Luckily, True Seeing was a relatively simple spell and took little time to cast.

     “So…” Jongdae began after the buzz of magic faded from the damp air of the cave.

     Obsidian turned to look at him. As soon as his gaze fell on Jongdae, his eyes went wide, and he looked as though he might be ill.

     “Oh...well, this… This is very embarrassing for me.”

     “So you can see he’s not a dragon then?” Minseok asked hopefully.

     “I really must apologize,” Obsidian babbled. He reached out to support himself against the cave wall. “The illusion truly was exceptional, but this was dreadfully awful of me. To be fooled by a human in this way… But nonetheless, you must think me some kind of monster.”

     “Nah, you’re good,” Jongdae said. “As long as it’s cool if we get going? I gotta say, cave living isn’t for me.”

     Jongin barked seemingly in agreement.

     “Of course. I’ve inconvenienced you long enough.”

     As Jongdae headed deeper into the cave to retrieve his pack, Sehun sidled up to Obsidian.

     “It must get lonely, in this big cave all by yourself,” he said. He took Obsidian’s hand in his and pressed one of the communication crystals into his palm. “Now, I know I’m no dragon, but just in case you ever need some company…”

     “Sehun!” Junmyeon admonished.

     Obsidian looked the sorcerer up and down slowly. “I will definitely keep that in mind, Sehun.”

     Jongdae was back a few moments later. “Thanks for everything, ‘Sid! Oh, and make sure you send me that venison recipe!” He completely ignored the shocked faces of the group. When had he gotten so familiar with his kidnapper? “So, should we get going?”

 

     They had only made it about an hour from the cave when Kyungsoo heard Baekhyun saying:

     “Time travel! No, hear me out! Traveler from a far distant future; we can make up anything we want.”

     “Ooh! I want a space hamster!” Chanyeol said.

     “Okay, okay. But you gotta go triple or nothing this time. Three weeks of chores...and you tell Yixing you have a crush on him,” Jongdae said.

     “That is so unfair…I’ll do it.”

     Kyungsoo could already feel the headache coming on.

**Author's Note:**

> So find me at [Some-kind-of-Chogiwonderful](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/some-kind-of-chogiwonderful)  
> You know, if you want.


End file.
